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I tend to think of myself as a traditional woman. Mr. DE and I have been together a few years now, and although we are not free from problems, our relationship seems to be pretty strong. (At least I think it is.) This weekend a friend of mine e-mailed me to announce that she was getting engaged. Now this is a friend that I rarely see but because we text, e-mail and instant message so much, I consider her to be one of my closest buddies. After her announcement, I wanted to take her out to dinner so I met up with her at my favorite union square sushi spot, and we began taking about her relationship. I knew she was dating this guy in passing, but I didn’t realize they were serious. She began describing how happy she was, but then she said something that kind of made me feel uncomfortable. Now before I continue, please note, I believe that every relationship should find what works for them, but this was well a little too much for me.. She stated that her man and her had discussed the possibility that he may stray from time to time with other women, but she must not get offended because his heart is with her.
After almost spitting out my eel avocado roll in anger, I asked her why? Why would she accept such conditions? Did she not feel that she was beautiful, successful enough and worth a man that could be 100% faithful to her? She responded with an answer that boggled my mind, she said “DE, wake up, all men cheat. It’s better that he does it in front of me, then behind my back.” Do I believe all men cheat? I have in the past-yes. I grew up with a brother, and around many family members who believe that cheating was a way of life, but I’ve also had many male friends who love and respect their wife and the strong bond that they share, and would never stray or risk loosing that for a pretty face or a sexy booty. As I tried to convince her that she would never be happy knowing that her man was having infidelities, and he would never stop because she had given him the go-ahead, the more and more she resisted, getting angrier every time I spoke. I realized that this was a dead issue, and that if this was what she felt would work for her, then who was I to stop her.? But I left the dinner feeling incredibly uneasy. As a woman, I get constantly hit on (I’m sure all of you hot mamas do as well). Many times the men are incredibly handsome,funny, and successful, but I love Mr. DE, and could never betray him in any shape or form, so my thinking is, if I could control myself and my urges, and say No to a sexy man, why can’t the man I’m with be strong enough to do that as well? Why should I settle for someone who doesn’t believe that I’m worth that respect? I wouldn't and neither should you.
What do you think of this situation?
Do you believe all men cheat?
Remember that people will only treat you the way you allow them to!
Big Hugs,
DE
17 comments:
Crazy story DE...I could never accept a relationship on those terms. Why is it ok for him to stray and not her? I hate that double standard. Men can cheat and they're still considered "Men" yet a woman does it and she's a "Whore" or doesn't have "Repsect" for herself. I don't believe ALL men cheat although I do believe a large majority of them do. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now and we've lived together for 2. To my knowledge he's never cheated and neither have I. I'm obvioulsy not the hottest chick out there and I do have insecurities and it bothers me when I catch him looking at another girl but when I think of how it could be a lot worse I stop feeling so bad. I hope your friend wakes up and realizes that it's not always better to have someone rather than no one and that she may be better off without him!
Great, great post! The saying that "all men cheat" is a broad one. Do all men cheat at some point in their lifetime? Possibly. But to be fair, I believe that there are men who are and can be faithful. Your friend deserves the best and she shouldn't have to settle; none of us should.
wow...i dont believe that at all...i think once you find the right person, that cheating is not an option...so does that mean she can cheat too? this is a recipe for disaster...on top of everything, she's giving him the upper hand in all of this...bad bad bad
Wow, this really hits home because I have grown up in a family where cheating was and still is second nature to these fools I call family.
I thought it may have well been a signature mark of the imperfect nature of men but being with my man has taught me that it is up to every man individually to give his woman all the respect she deserves and that every woman should demand that from the person she is with.
That's the bottom line.And I agree with you 100%, people will treat you how you allow them too.
I agree that people will only treat you the way you allow them too.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 ½ years. I could not imagine him asking me to marry him but saying, “well you know I will cheat when we are married but don’t trip, ‘because you have my heart.” Are you serious?! I hate the fact that he receives carte blanche to cheat and she is just okay with it! I would never put up with this. As soon as he would give this proposition, I would quickly throw him the deuce and end that relationship stat!
I don’t think all men cheat, but there are many that do. I’m totally disgusted with your friend accepting these terms just to say she has a man. I have a former friend whose current boyfriend is a loser like your friend’s fiancé. She just accepted that he cheats and now he has her doing crazy stuff like calling her in the morning (after not coming home) to pick him up from the girl’s house that he is cheating on her with!
I guess my question is, does your friend not respect or love herself enough to know that she doesn’t have to settle for this mistreatment? Also, what if he gives her a STD from these other women? If she has a daughter with him, will she teach her daughter that it is okay to let her husband cheat too? Maybe she grew up in a household where her father cheated on her mother and her mother just accepted it too?
Great post DE! Definitely made us think!
I agree that people will only treat you the way you allow them too.
I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 ½ years. I could not imagine him asking me to marry him but saying, “well you know I will cheat when we are married but don’t trip, ‘because you have my heart.” Are you serious?! I hate the fact that he receives carte blanche to cheat and she is just okay with it! I would never put up with this. As soon as he would give this proposition, I would quickly throw him the deuce and end that relationship stat!
I don’t think all men cheat, but there are many that do. I’m totally disgusted with your friend accepting these terms just to say she has a man. I have a former friend whose current boyfriend is a loser like your friend’s fiancé. She just accepted that he cheats and now he has her doing crazy stuff like calling her in the morning (after not coming home) to pick him up from the girl’s house that he is cheating on her with!
I guess my question is, does your friend not respect or love herself enough to know that she doesn’t have to settle for this mistreatment? Also, what if he gives her a STD from these other women? If she has a daughter with him, will she teach her daughter that it is okay to let her husband cheat too? Maybe she grew up in a household where her father cheated on her mother and her mother just accepted it too?
Great post DE! Definitely made us think!
Great post! I don't think that all men cheat. Are they tempted too? All the time, and so are we. I think your friend's boyfriend was beyond disrespectful to ask her to allow him to stray. In the long run she will not be happy. I agree with you that people only treat you the way you allow them to. I was with a cheater for many years, I always took him back and it made me miserable. He never changed so I decided that I will be the one to change...I left him...stopped taking his calls, stopped listening to his lies...and I haven't looked back since. Your friend just has to want better and she will have it.
All men do not cheat. I am not a man but i feel confident in saying that I am 100% certain that all men do not cheat..lol I know so many men who are loyal to their wives or significant other. Hopefully your friend will change her mind.
PJD
Wow, that's an intense story. I don't think all men cheat, but if a guy gets permission to cheat like he did, he's probably going to!
I have some friends who are dating guys that just aren't right for them and they want to get engaged so bad that all they have their sights on is the ring and aren't even thinking about the problems of marriage. It sounds like this may be the case for her. She deserves better and no ring is worth going through the pain that is waiting for her.
first off, DE, you're amazing. :)
secondly, i believe we all have a Twin Flame: similar to the term "soulmate" but since we have several soulmates, a twin flame is that one other part of your soul - your other half. and so, in a sense, you'll have your own unique attraction and affinity towards a paticular type of person. whether it's a complete opposite of you, a complete double of you, a same gender, a different gender, it doesn't matter, you cannot control who you really are, you cannot control who & what you truly desire.
to sum it up, your friend is not his twin flame. however, they are soulmates, probably Karmic Soulmates (unfinished business based on past lives). he wants to have the options to have relations with other women because he is not truly fulfilled with your friend alone. it's not just physical, it's EVERY aspect. it may be harsh and direct, but since he's not her twin flame either, she doesn't truly want this, nor is she getting truly fulfilled within this relationship.
i personally do not believe every man cheats. that's an old way of thinking. i believe you create your reality, so it's your choice to believe or not believe in the words of other people -- have you ever told a story that you were not 100% factual about, just to have someone else take it as 100% truth? statements and accusations have been told since the beginning of time, but the only truth is the one you convince yourself to believe. THERE IS NO TRUTH BUT YOUR OWN TRUTH.
so tell your friend this: "You have every right to CHOOSE to believe every man cheats, but just don't be upset when you create the very situation you believed in the first place. and don't be shocked when you look around and observe how your truth may not be someone else's truth - while you're stuck in an undevoted, unloyal relationship, there are others in a fully devoted, fully loyal relationship. if you're fine with this, then so be it. but always know that you deserve the very best in every shape & form, and if this is what you consider your very best, then please know that i desire something even BETTER for you, because my truth tells me that you deserve better than even that." - from one sister to another.
sorry this is so long DE, i just love putting my honest two cents on topics like this. love you girl! & the blog too!
Wow-that is horrible- i've dated a guy in the past who had that same mentality. I didn't feel good about myself staying with him and I knew it wasn't worthwhile to stay.
All men do not cheat! If you are in a committed relationship with someone u genuinely love and respect u won't cheat. Simple as that. It's horrible that she settles and I think she know this too.
With all these STDs going around, there is NO excuse to set ur self up. Who knows what he can bring back to her? Will she accept that?
Also, if the tables were turned, would he be okay with her going outside of the marriage? I think not.
Finally-what is the point of getting married if he is not going to be faithful?
I hope she prays and gets realizes soon that this is VERY destructive
WOW this was some ISH DE!!!! Can't believe it!!!
I would have reacted the same to your friend's news...
As for my opinion, I also don't believe all men cheat. And I ditto your statement to getting hit on but having the control (and respect of your significant other) to ignore that and not cheat but some men don't have that...it's so weird.
There are some great men out there that are very respectful of women and will be committed.
I hope that your friend reconsiders or at least thinks about her decision more...I would not be able to tell my family 'I'm engaged!' and feel excited or happy that along the way he will be straying...I can't fathom!
GREAT POST!
While reading this post, I thought...it's interesting how he told her he "may stray"--her response should've been somewhere along the lines of "you know, I was thinking the same thing! I might cheat on you once or twice". I totally agree w/what everyone else has said, and think your friend is CRAZY!!!! I think that's a problem with a lot of women these days--they choose to settle for losers because of a variety of issues (self-esteem included)! As the old saying goes, your friend needs to "wake up and smell the coffee"!!!
Um, this is some foolishness. What happens when he brings her home and STD. OH HELLLLL NOOO!!
@Lela, amazing and insightful summary Lela, thanks
I don't think that all men cheat. I grew up around all boys so I do know that they have their little games and all that ish but I have met a few guys who once they're with their girl they're faithful as ever. Your friend deserves better.
man, i'm 100% sticking by what you said, you reacted exactly the way i would have. it angers me, or more so makes me sad when women choose to settle for guys like this b/c they feel "all men cheat". not all men cheat. alot do yes, but so do some women. that's still no reason to accept such behaviour and carry on like it's not going to happen again/like it's ok.
i'm so happy to have a found a bf who, as far as i know, would never cheat. we don't tolerate or accept cheating in our relationship, so that is a huge relief.
plus, when you stay with someone who cheats, or cheat yourself, you're only bringing unnecessary stress into your life, which isn't good for your health and such...
also.. sometimes i see married couples. when i find out the guy cheats on his wife or vice versa, my whole outlook changes about them. a bit of repect is lost for the person cheating, but also the person who chooses to accept this behaviour. let's say it's the guy who cheats, i just lose respect for him.
good post btw!
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